Fear of Change

06 Jun

Good day to all who may be reading this blog post, recently I talked about the joy of freedom of being free from the place I know as university and to be honest I’m loving the freedom, it feels delightful and I can finally do all the things I wasn’t able to do because education was constantly blocking me. That being said, there is a cloud of uncertainty that now starts to float above my head and many questions that run through my head, but the one I ask now is “What happens now?”


For the longest time I was ready for university to be over and I counted down the days, weeks, months leading up to this point in time, but just like a lot of things in life, when something finally happens after waiting for so long it feels incredibly surreal and hard is kind of hard to react to.

It wasn’t until the month of June dropped where I realized that my uni adventure is really over, what I mean by that is the fact that is even though uni work is over, my uni adventure has been very much attached to being a resident of Sheffield, but since I don’t have the power to stay here I have to go back home at the end of the month and that thought scares me. Now you could be asking “Why not stay there if you like it so much?” Easy, one word: money. You could then ask “Then why don’t you get a job.” I technically have one but the hours aren’t long enough to sustain me in a new property. It is frustrating because at the start of the year I was like “Yeah everything’s sorted, I have a friend to live with in July, I’ll be up here and won’t have to leave yet, yay!” However things just changed and fell apart over the last three months so I have nothing set in stone. And what’s worse is I went home and caught up with an old friend and I was explaining my situation to her and she told me all these things I have never considered like: 1) Getting my own place and paying separate bills. 2) Dealing with council tax. 3) Deciding whether to work/live back at home or up in Sheffield. And there was all these other adult-related scenarios she was quizzing me with and it made me realize how naive and immature I must be. And this leads me into the title of this blog post, I fear change.

For the longest time I have been one of those people who is content with the way things are, I like living in the here and now. I love the past, nostalgia is great and the present is good because it is the present and it is comfortable. Sure I look forward to the future, but at the same time it is so unclear and depending on the change it can seriously change your life, sometimes for the worse and it can be hard to adjust to. For me I find it hard to transition to anything alien to me, that’s why it took me so long to find my rhythm in college and even uni had a bit of a rough point for me. But right now, the thing that’s really throwing me off is the fact that I have been in the neat little bubble of education for the last eight years and am only stepping out into the real world now, as an adult and it feels weird and wrong to me. I dunno if I’m ready for this grown up world, I’m still a young dude at heart.

contentimage.ewdgxI have many directs to walk in and I don’t quite know where to walk.

Now don’t get me wrong I do like being back at home, its fun and safe, but I have gotten so much from being up in the Midlands and I’m not quite ready to leave as I feel like I have more to do job-wise and for my personal art and film projects too. Either way I fear that whatever happens towards the end of June to the start of July will be something I won’t want to accept. The next three weeks will be the most important in my world. I just hope that I won’t implode from all these random changes and find some stabilization. Thanks for reading.

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Posted by on June 6, 2014 in Life


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