Howdy people and welcome to another installment in my blogging rants and today’s subject will be on the concept of failure and how it continues to follow me in my life no matter what I do.
Now I’d like to think I’m an optimist, I’m normally fairly jolly and go through life with a grin on my face and I’d like to think I try my hardest in any endeavour I undertake. However for as long as I remember I’ve always found myself in a position of failure in life especially on the education front of things.
Education, one area of my life that has been plagued with failure since my days in school.
Now I’m not stupid by any means, however I’m not absurdly smart either. In school I always needed extra help trying to understand certain things and if you broke the information down for me into its most basic elements then I’d be able to work. But a lot of my teachers never bothered with me because they got tired of trying to teach me because I didn’t learn as fast as everyone else. I’d ask for help but since I found it hard to express myself when I was younger teachers never really understood me and would get frustrated with me. And because of those teachers and their lack of help my grades suffered. I never really got great GCSEs in school and that was my first great failure and while I said to myself that I’d take what I got given and move on, I never really got over my GCSE results. And its affected my life since. So then college came into play and on my new art course I said I’d make a good effort with it… However failure wasn’t too far away. Unfortunately I ran into the same issues I had when I did GCSE art in school, and while I tried my hardest and did better than I did in school I still got a pretty bad grade overall.
Luckily my media courses weren’t nearly as cruel to me. Though some of the projects on my national diploma course was full of pain and suffering. There were points where I wasn’t doing as well as everyone else and I would get really annoyed at myself. So then came last year came around I started animation at uni in Sheffield and I thought I’d be in my element thanks to it being something I really wanted to do. But fate dealt me a really cruel hand. In one of my modules I had to do work in 2D and 3D animation and photography and trying to understand the work in lessons was a tad complicated and again some of the tutors would get frustrated when you asked for help. So I did what I could with the module, but in the end I messed and never got the work in on the deadline and failed the module, which in turn means that this year in addiction to doing all my Year 2 work I have repeat my previous Year 1 module. And again I feel so pissed off that out of my entire class I’d be the person to fail that one module. It really is bullshit. And in the last year in Sheffield there’s been one other issue that’s been bugging me for some time; getting a job. Goodness knows I’ve tried looking for one and while I have had a few interviews here and there, no one’s employed me. While obtaining a job isn’t the easiest thing to do for a student, somehow people I know seem to be able to do it with next to no effort and it really makes me wonder if I’m just doing something wrong or something or whether the concept of failure is just following me in the area of job hunting too.
So after all this you may ask if you’ve got so many issues why don’t you just do something about it and sort it out? Well believe me, I’ve tried. I work harder than the year before and yet things still seem to fall apart. Some say that I am being too hard on myself and maybe that’s true, but the thing is I’ve always expected so much of myself so when I fail at anything it hurts me on mental level a lot. I’m a guy who always likes to strive for success and when it doesn’t come I get frustrated and sad at myself. University hasn’t helped my pride much and has left me in a questionable state of mind. I just hope this year I’ll be able to turn everything around and finally get my shit on track not only with university but with my life in general.
Thanks for reading.